And I've been sobbing for a half an hour.
I dont want to leave.
My relationship is over as of Friday...and then I leave.
We decided to do it now, while its mutual, and still love each other, than do it later- when it could be one sided.
I DONT WANT TO BE WITHOUT HIM.


He's it for me. I WANT this tie. I WANT HIM.
He is my life, my all, my love. And I'm leaving him. I'm cruel.

Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine.
BUT I'M NOT.
Right now? I'm a mess. A big, fat, emotional wreck. My chest hurts from sobbing, I can't breath, and I have a headache. Tomorrow is my last full day in town. And I'll spend it mowing the lawn, packing, and crying at his house.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. It's stressing me out so much. I'm just scared I'll get to school and won't have time for him, and he'll make time for someone else. Like I've said before... I'M SCARED. I feel like...well. Crap. An emotional pile of crap.

I wish I had him here with me, I wish he could hold me and tell me it's going to be okay, even if I don't believe him. I want to mess up his shirt with whats left of my maskara. I want to be with him, and then maybe I'll get some peace. Please some peace? I keep second guessing my every move right now. Am I right in leaving? Is this what I want? Do I want to be single in college? Do I want to date people? Do I need him?

And don't get me started on the "what if's" I could write a novel. As stated earlier, I'm scared. I don't make friends well, I come off as shy and annoying. So what if no one likes me? What if I can't even get a date, then what would the point have been in breaking off the one relationship where I'm happy? What if college isn't for me? What if I can't do this? What if everyone at home forgets about me? What if I fail? What if I don't have time for anything? What if something happens to my friends or family and I'm not here? What if What if What if.

I'm afraid to sleep. I don't think I have had a good nights sleep in a few weeks. When I close my eyes I see myself running to him and sobbing like I am. Like I was earlier. Which makes me cry harder and harder untill sobs wreck my body. I hurt, emotionally and physically. What is God's plan here? Why can't I figure out what He wants for me to do? I am tired of crying.

I love Justin Thomas Davidson.
I want to marry him.
I want to have his kids.
I want him.



I think I'm letting go of the best thing thats ever happened to me.

I am so excited for Relay. I am ready. I'm not just doing this because it'll look good on my resume or because I need the hours, I'm doing this because cancer has affected my family. Over these past few years I've lost one of my favorite men to cancer, and his sister. My Uncle Frank was an amazing man, I'm never going to forget where I was the day he died. I was on a youth trip, my sophmore year, to the Itchitutie River. We'd gone tubing, and I came home and was told my Uncle had died. We'd all been praying that God take away his suffering, and in order to do that God had to take him from this place. Uncle Franks long suffering was over. Thank goodness. A man as kind as he should not have had to go through that. I believe there is a cure. I believe we will find it, and that no more lives will be lost. By doing Relay we are raising money to help the research that will find that cure. Then good men and women will not have to go through radiation, chemo, and pain. One of the strongest women I know, Channing's mom Donda, had breast cancer. She overcame that, and today is such an inspiration. So lets find a cure. Lets save some lives on Friday =)

Ahhh. Senior Prom.

I'm thrilled to death. My dress is amazing, so are my shoes, jewlery etc. I'm debating about getting acrylics for my nails, my left hand is grown out enough, but my right is short and stubby. My hair appointment is at one. I'm super excited. We're not going with a group, but after he picks me up, we're going to my friend Rachael's boyfriend (Mike) house to take pictures! He's got a gorgous backyard. Then we're going to his house, where I think, he's cooking me dinner. At least his parents will take a ton of pictures, then we'll go to dinner if he doesn't cook it. Hm. Whatever works, it just depends on how much his paycheck is Friday, he won't let me pay for anything. OH! I got an 87 on my test in Psych!! Top gun, extra credit. YAYYYY. I was thrilled. Then my summer job fell through, so I'm going to plan B. Which is babysitting for a lady from church for three weeks out of the summer. This summer is looking fun. Graduation on May 30 and then I'll do my 18 birthday party the weekend after graduation. Just Rachael, Channing, and I. Maybe Tori, if she can fly here for it. We'll go get pedicures, go to the beach, do henna tattos, dress up and head for dinner in the little town, then the next day sleep, and tan, also take the classic white tee shirt jeans picture on the beach. Then the next week there's freshman orientation. On my actual birthday I'm getting a new phone, then my ears pierced again! A second hole above my first. Then in July theres camp, and my boys birthday, which is fun. Then the end of July I head to school, my classes stary August 12 and freshman get there a week and a half before classes start. So excited! Everything looks like its going to be amazingg =)